Yesterday I had had enough. I broke down over something I normally would just get a little miffed at. My mom and I talked a long time about how it wasn’t just that one thing. What it comes down to is this…
Yesterday I was defeated. I sat in a chair with my head hanging down in despondency after my mom gave me more medicine that she hoped would make me feel a little better. She slowly turned and noticed I still hadn’t looked up and tears had started running down my cheeks. She went to her knees and prayed over me that my pain would be taken and that the Lord would cover me in grace. After her prayer I looked up and told her what all was on my heart.
I’m tired of feeling thirsty… all the time.
I’m tired of chewing my food until it is basically paste so i can swallow it.
I’m tired of medicine.
I’m tired of being tired all the time.
I’m tired of being in some sort of pain somewhere 100% of the time…. Even if it is mild.
I’m tired of having to explain what happened to me when people see my feeding tube.
I’m tired of the dirty looks I get at the grocery store when I’m riding in a scooter because I physically cannot walk for more than ten minutes without my back hurting or without me getting winded and having to sit down.
I tired of my “new normal” and want to go back
I’m tired of being sick.
I had let the enemy win. My focus was not on the Lord and I was focused on how miserable I was – don’t get me wrong – I’m still pretty uncomfortable – but I feel a lot better than I did yesterday. I told my mom that I didn’t understand why I had to go through this… Why do so many sad things happen to our family? We are good people. We are faithful, minister, spread the wonderful news of our Jesus, we tithe, we help those who are less fortunate when we can… Yet there are thieves and scoundrels and other people in the world who don’t know the Lord who are living in complete sin with no remorse who are happy and healthy and have wonderful and amazing lives with no sadness… It wasn’t fair in my mind.
My mom read me a Psalm that she had read to her Bible study class. You wouldn’t normally think of this Psalm as a Psalm of worship but it is a beautiful example of the importance of worshiping through trial and enduring through hardships.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
My mom gave me permission to publish out her notes on this Psalm. She wrote it the day before my surgery.
“How long, Oh Lord, how long? You are my God, my covenant Savior, my kinsman, redeemer, my Father and my friend.
You sent the Holy Spirit to fill me with your presence and comfort
And I am so grateful.
I am also so weary.
You’ve told me to stand. I am, but the exhaustion is excruciating. I am weak beyond words. The energy to breathe fails me, much less to keep my knees from buckling. I long to dissolve, to collapse, to be carried away. I am not a victorious stander. I don’t feel like an overcomer.
Having done all, stand.
Is there anything more in the ‘having done all’ to do?
When does the 5 o’clock whistle blow? Endurance in a pain-seeped word. Obviously ‘endurance’ implies going beyond what I perceive I am capable of. Pushing past my perceived limit means entering a lap I can’t see
Seeing the unseen is going forward in faith, how does that happen without energy?
You will give strength. How? By waiting on my part. Those that wait on the Lord renew their strength.
So, I stand, waiting on you to renew my strength to stand longer.”
My mother is a wise woman… but she is also a woman of the Lord. The Lord gives her words that she doesn’t even know how much will help those around her until the time comes.
So, my dear friends. We prayed our psalm of pain and endurance yesterday and ended with my favorite verse. This verse that has carried me through more trials than I care to remember but has never let me down or left me discouraged. I’ll leave you with this and I pray you find comfort and worship through endurance and pain.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”